mysterious mysteries

For the longest time I have been wondering what has caused many of my extremely cute elementary school students to have a mouth full of black, foul-smelling teeth...the blame, other than the lack of fluoride in the water supply in this country, may lie with adults
After lunch, I notice that every teacher brushes his or her teeth vigorously and religiously, yet still their mouths are chock-full of various metal alloys and fake teeth...also, after brushing, their breath does not improve...Thus, I have finally realized (to my horror) that nobody uses toothpaste while brushing their teeth...Madness! It's like throwing rocks at a tank; you're just not going to win...I mean, one might just as well combat obesity by eating from McDonald's "healthy choice" menu!

That said, today is Sports Festival Day...the whole town turns up, as does the local press, to cover the athletic field day where kids compete in somewhat strange, vaguely athletic activities involving jumping over bamboo logs, three-legged races, stealing tires, and building human pyramids...Actually, it looks like a lot more fun than the sports days that I remember from junior high school days...

potent potables

The cultural learning space so often referred to as the Japanese English classroom, resembles less of a teaching institution than it does a comedic hilarity production facility (specializing in slightly overpaid, dashingly handsome foreigners and off the wall excitable kids).

Note the excerpts from a recent exercise involving the combination of one’s memories holiday memories and the present perfect tense of the English language (notice that only one of the students even attempted to use a past perfect sentence).

First off, we have this little gem:

“Nara is in beer. beer is very cute.”

Oh. I see.

Now to the untrained eye, this seems to be merely a grammatical error coupled with psychedelic hallucinations that cause one to think that deer appear as beer. Be that as it may, I suppose beer can in fact be rather cute, especially after drinking about 30 of them, as this student has apparently done.

Here’s a piece that defies all logic:

“I played sik last year. Daikura is good place. I smooted sik in Daikura. I goes many take a pictuer in the Daikura.”

Yes indeed. Now although I really want to give this particular student due credit for the multiple sentences (he shoots! he tries!), I cannot ignore the monstrous indignity this would do for the English language as a whole (it would be somewhat akin to Optimus Prime letting the Decepticons into the Autobot base, and then thanking them for the carnage they wreaked).
However, in the student's defense, I'm sure many of us also "smoot sik" on a regular basis, especially in Daikura (wherever or whatever it might happen to be…standard dictionaries produced no hits for this particular linguistic anomaly). Of course, I had to give admire this student for the almost readable “taking pictures” sentence.

Another bold attempt:

“Beer! I saw many beer in Nara park. Sika was cute. But I have stepped on feces of beer. I became sad then.”

Well, one is always apt to become a little sad when stepping in the beer feces.

Note: In Japan it is impossible, in fact it is illegal, to assign a grade of lesson than a C to any student at any time for any reason. A classroom attendance record of 0% merits a fine C average across the board. Furthermore, an annual test score average of 0 results in a well-deserved grade assessment of C.

I, as with all other Japanese teachers, can say to such abysmal students, “Simply stunning. You have done nothing, earned nothing, deserve nothing and will probably amount to nothing. Congratulations. C.”

That said, I must confess that there are very few students (none at my current countryside school) who really do nothing (or don’t come to school except on the last day to receive their report card full of Cs). Rather, the point is that mandatory schooling, as it exists here, requires that all students be passed through the grades until high school, regardless of behaviour, intent, ability, work accomplished, attendance or any other calculable factor that could conceivably be used to tabulate a student’s academic progress.

I think I will conjure up an imaginary student this year, enroll him in public school, choose his classes and collect his admirable C report card (George W. Bush, eat your heart out) at the end of term and display it proudly on my wall.

Yoji Biomehanika

Last weekend, one of the greatest entities in trance music (a genre now inundated with formulaic producers and crap sampling) touched down at Tokyo's Velfarre (some big-ass club downtown)...the speakers thundered, the boozery was attacked with vigour, the Japanese pretended they knew how to dance (but of course they couldn't...at all...even the hot dancing girlies had no clue what they were doing)

Nevertheless, Yoji Biomehanika spun the decks like the seasoned champ that he is...continuous good tracks...mad energy...and goofy androgenous stage makeup and hair-do made it an especially entertaining spectacle

Yoji threw down like nobody's business.

There is hope yet for the future of trance music.

boundless athleticism

Went for a cruise on my bike around my neighbourhood at around midnight…went plowing through the rice fields on my neon yellow “Hummer: Very Exciting Bike”…whizzed around in the dark as a few neighbourhood dogs barked their boredom or complained of the heat while a few solitary salarymen lurched home awkwardly, vaguely headed for their houses where their wives will no doubt be up waiting, ready to curse them and threaten to not make their lunches in the morning.
The countryside is peaceful and relaxing and friendly

...unfortunately, it's also quite far from downtown Tokyo.

The most famous television star in Japan by far is a comedian named Hard Gay (HG). He strolls around in tight leather outfits pretending to be gay and messing with the Japanese culture. Basically, he just makes fun of people. He rocks the boat like nobody's business.

Honorary member of the Kife Klub.

The man, the myth, the legend.

feeding the monkeys

inter-species communication

gimme gimme

monkey warning

Miscellaneous Mentionables

Consumed a yellow watermelon (ah, what will the Japanese geneticists think of next? Other than a square watermelon or a black watermelon because they’ve already done that…they retail for about $50 at the local grocery store).

Announcement on the school P.A. today: “Students. Please be careful. A monkey was spotted near the train station, and it’s headed this way! Don’t touch it! Be careful!”

Yeeaa! You know you live in the countryside when…hehehehe…and speaking of monkeys, see above...

friend...?

en garde!

Toys 'R' Bugs

Note: the kabuto-mushi is a fearsome insect of epic proportions. Known by every boy in Japan under the age of about 65, the kabuto-mushi has inspired television shows, video games and clothing lines around Japan (all printed in the following English: “King of Bugs”). The kabuto-mushi (literally meaning armour bug) is about three inches long, black, and covered in thick, hard bug-armour. It has one to three horns that protrude from its face another one or two inches. One of my English teachers told me that her son sneaks off to the woods to collect them. She says she hears them scratching around at night because her son now has 15 of them stashed in a bucket in his room. This is also normal, she told me. I didn’t believe her. Then I discovered that one can purchase kabuto-mushis at none other than Toys ‘R’ Us. $20-$30 a-piece.

Conclusion: bugs are toys.

I'm melting...melting...

Today’s temperature: a mere 37 degrees.

Today’s humidity index: a scant 80%.

My aliveness rating: hovering near death at around 10%...soon to expire…melting…organs liquefying…I know the body is comprised of around 90% water, but I never thought I would watch 89 of this 90% flee the confines of my epidermis, choosing instead to be sweated into a large puddle that used to be my insides…death is imminent…must……pray………oh god………goohhg…(dead).

End transmission.

King of all the world, yes I, that greater than greatest great of a man, at least that's how it feels having successfully completed the journey from my old apartment to my new one by bike, a distance of 3.5 hours of biking at a fair pace (approximately one million kilometers, or thereabouts)…awesome awesome awesome…

I got lost only once for a minute or two

then I stuck my head out of my fireplace flue

where the little Jack Daniel’s stood all in a row

these JD’s, I grinched, are the first things to go

a memorable evening of One Man Jammage (also damage, but repairable)

Liquifaction.

Well, it’s hot enough in my apartment that the bacon fat left in the pan doesn’t congeal, even if left overnight…returned home today to find the house temperature at a balmy 35C…at 11:30pm…and the windows were all open…how can anything live in such a climate?

The school today was only 30C (the air conditioning was on) with a mere 70 percent humidity rating…I only sweated through one pair of clothes…awesome…

dear God, send death...or snow...both would be acceptable

YAAAAARRRRRRRR

Metal and Glory for Ever and Ever. Amen.

Sartre’s well-thought-out summarization of humanity’s tragic condition of alienation and estrangement in the words “We are condemned to be free” serves as a constant reminder of our responsibility for our own lives. However, in the light of recent happenings and providential divinations from the Realm of Steel, one ought to rework Sartre’s original to include the words “metal” and “righteous”. Thus, re-reading the script we find that “We are condemned to righteous metal”. Blasphemy or idiocy or other, it doesn’t matter because in October, the greatest show in the history of great shows will occur in Japan. That is, over 20 of the world’s finest icons and masters of metal will convene for 2 days of extreme insanity on the outskirts of Tokyo. Lord and vassals, warriors and priests, the time is nigh for the Occupation (for at least 2 days anyways) of Japan to begin! True believers, thou shalt be saved. Exalt in the glory of the mosh. Thrash to the rhythms of aggression and power. Attend LoudPark 2006. The list of immortals includes In Flames, Slayer, Arch Enemy, DragonForce, Opeth, Children of Bodom, Angra, and host of other acts not to missed in this life or the next.

Goodbye paycheque.