Super-powered Superheroes

After arriving here in Japan, I have discovered that the concept of Gaijin Superpowers is not quite as farcical as I'd first thought. After comparing notes with some of the other local foreigners, on occasion we have all noticed the presence of these supposed abilities when interacting with the Japanese.

For the purposes of clarity, the known list includes:

Gaijin Smash - The ability to manipulate the outcome of a given situation by using your will in an overbearing manner to dominate the Japanese.

Optic Blast - A ranged version of the Gaijin Smash, particularly effective on trains. If correctly mastered, you can even get a physical flinching response from your target.

Gaijin Perimeter - The ability to project an invisible barrier around yourself that only the Japanese can sense and thus be repelled by it. Its range and effectiveness grows exponentially with the addition of other gaijin - particularly tall males.

Gaijin Power-Up (AKA: Gaijin Charisma) - Similar to a vampire's ability to mesmerize (and considered by many Japanese to be just as unholy), it is the ability to charm Japanese members of the opposite sex despite the best efforts of any Japanese that might try to compete with you. This power is more common to gaijin males, but instances of use by gaijin females have also been reported.

Gaijin Telepathy - This is the ability that gaijin use not only to communicate with each other, but also to gather necessary information from their Japanese co-workers when such information is otherwise being withheld.

Gaijin Invisibility - Confusing Japanese people by speaking to them while being an invisible non-socializable entity, and forcing them to turn immediately to the nearest Japanese person and ask for confirmation of what the wind just said.

Gaijin Stun - The ability to throw any and all Japanese parties encountered into a panic-inducing confusion by a combination of both physical appearance and use of crappy Japanese. This shock and confusion often allows the gaijin to get what they are after with relative ease or have the most elementary task done for them.

Gaijin Tongues (e.g. Teaching English) - Mastery of a language with such magnetism that people will pay half a day's wages just to hear it for an hour.

Gaijin Wa Disrupto - The ability to disrupt the psychic harmony of an entire group of Japanese -- regardless of number -- and thereby increase their susceptibility to other gaijin powers.

Gaijin Charge - The ability to withstand the constant barrage of identical questions voiced by nearly all Japanese upon first meeting. Anger is stored for use at a later day when said Gaijin chooses to relase all pent up emotion in the form of one final devastating attack.

Gaijin Intelli-Beam - Correct a Japanese person's use of their language, or teach them about their own culture/history. This can be used as a much more powerful version of the Gaijin Stun with smaller numbers of Japanese. Note:Only for use by upper-level gaijin

Gaijin Dodge - The ability to escape from any situation by pretending you have no clue what other people are saying or that you are completely illiterate.

Gaijin Insult - Mastery of the ability to insult and ridicule those around him/her without the other party having any clue what was said or meant. Particularly useful on trains or other crowded areas filled with many obnoxious and self-absorbed idiots. Note: This power is rumoured to have some measured success against other gaijin as well.


..and there we have it. An impressive aresenal of secret weaponry unmatched anywhere in the Japanese military.

Drink up me hearties, yo ho

Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Junior High School Teachers

Japanese discipline, particularly in the schools, is a most interesting thing. First of all, the kids, for the most part, are more disciplined than prison inmates back home (and they have a lot more fun).

Let's look at an example. Picture a scenario such as the following: it's school assembly time. There is some event in the gym that bears some semblance of tradition with some trace of formality. Before the ceremony begins, the teachers and students gaily jaunt and joke with each other, basically screwing around. But as soon as the event officially begins, all the teachers put on the serious "I will kill you if you do anything at all, even if it's what you're supposed to do" face, and it's army camp after that. Perhaps it's about 6 degrees in the auditorium, and a child is cold (central heating does not exist in such barbarian lands) and puts his hands in his pockets in a vain attempt to retain additional heat. Result? Herr Chancellor Teacher marches up, murder in his or her eyes, and smokes the kid upside the head. Resolution? The child is afraid to die, and thus allows his hands to go blue, praying to whatever gods he can think of that the teacher won't smite him.
Soon afterwards perhaps, a child is not sitting completely straight or is falling asleep from the boredom of the extremely boring event. The Teachus Violentus, sensing a fight, proceeds with a sharp hand stab to the back. The stabs are repeated until the child is sitting up completely straight, back now welded into place with bruises. Hours are spent on the timing of bowing. Multiple days of classes are replaced with more bowing practice and the repeated singing of the school songs, all under the direction and supervision of a tyrannical 5-foot tall music teacher who bellows various commands and screeches discipline at the hostage student body.
Then, after a few treacherous hours, it's over, and the teachers and kids go back to playing and screwing around.

Firmly rooted in the past

Recently, I joined the kendo club at my junior high school. It's the coolest thing ever. Swords, armour, battle cries, manliness, awesomeness. Battle, glory, getting my ass kicked by kids almost half my age. It's pretty sweet. I often teach my favourite kendo kids some Kung Fu afterwards, and we have interesting conversations (linguistically equivalent to an aborted fetus, but fun nonetheless).

What's interesting as well is that you can see remnants of Japan's militaristic past, whether it be through the insane discipline and focus the students have when practicing their sword strokes, the efficiency and grace of the actual movements themselves, or the kendo coach screaming his military guts out at the kids to attack each other.



I get paid to do this.

shluppity shlup...

People who live in foreign lands and don't attempt to learn the native language in which they're situated are like vacuum cleaners: they're boring and they suck
(in a word, vacuous)

super hyper awesome

as anyone who has tried can surely attest, attempting to learn a new language is a bit like a righteous bout of heavy drinking: the more you consume, the greater you feel and more amazing you think you are, when of course in reality you are making a right ass of yourself

in Japan however, any attempts to do anything that is even remotely language-ish and not downright rude is met with praise and fawning.
For example:
Me: "hello." (translated from the Japanese with the most wonderful skill)
Them: "ohhhhh!! Wonderful, I'm surprised how skilled and intelligent you are!" (again, translated fabulously with wondrous accuracy)
Me: "I only said hello."
Them: "Nonono, you're really good. Isn't he good? Wow. You're really learning fast!"

of course, this sort of character building session only occurs among work associates...the situation is slightly different when among the commons of the land, on the train, in les restaurants, etc. In fact, the commoners' response is almost the polar opposite of the work associates. Any foreigner who speaks any Japanese at any time to anyone, irrespective of the situation, regardless of skill and even after living in the country for years, will not be understood until his or her Japanese friend repeats, word for word and with identical inflection, exactly what has been said in exactly the same way...only then does the native speaker recognize the speech act as "Japanese", and only then will he or she enter in to the "conversation"...but even then and no matter who responds to the native speaker, the native speaker will only look at and speak to the Japanese friend...everyone else is clearly an insidious hallucination, designed to confuse and bewilder the poor native into thinking there are others present, when in fact, there aren't...

Board Lords

Yeeaa, another weekend of boarding is declared a success...locals were harrassed, fat foreigners were heckled, skills were displayed and mad snowball fights were had on the hills (which caused the Japanese around us to cower in fear, and flee, avoiding our vicinity at all costs)

Board Lords: 1
Japanese: 0

Champions, all.

Only in Japan...

...can the hardest, most evil gangsta mofo's strut around like cocks of the walk, looking tougher than tough (and with a beautiful girl on the arm) while wearing a flaming pink sparkly jacket with a huuuuge happy Disney character on the back.

...can you barf on the train and be forgiven by everyone on it because you're drunk (note: this only works if you're Japanese...besides which, foreign people wouldn't do such a thing in the first place)

...do the bus drivers (read: bus slave) mandatorily attach microphones to their mouths and announce every move they make as if it was direly important to the disinterested, apathetic, and silent (unless there are foreigners on the bus...then they make a lot of noise) passengers. When rounding corners, the bus slave will say something like "Please be careful, the bus is making a left had turn". Good thing he told me, otherwise I probably could have hurt myself (I mean, the bus does travel at speeds in excess of 15 miles per hour in Japan...sometimes). Or as the bus pulls into a bus stop, one is liable to hear "We're stopping now", as if the deceleration of the bus wasn't enough of a hint that a stoppage of forward motion was imminent.

...can the toughest dudes in the school wear makeup, pluck their eyebrows, and sit on each others' laps playing with each others' hair...these are the 'badass' kids.

...are the playgrounds at the school made entirely of coarse gravel...grass is only found at foreign embassies. The kids apparently don't seem to mind though. Except when they fall down.

...are cellphones used for everything (and I really mean everything) EXCEPT talking on the phone (I can read barcodes, pay bills, send email, watch TV, play video games, record music, and surf the internet...and I purposely got the crappiest phone I could buy...however, it costs equivalent of about a dollar a minute to make local calls on my phone)

...are there stores where you can go and pay money to pet cats (there is nothing else in the store)

...are there signs that say "No peeing allowed here" on the sides of buildings

Loose for the Goose, Mighty as Zeus

Recently, I made the not so discrete discovery that "the Earth", a common phrase in English, when spoken by Japanese speakers invariably becomes "ze Ass", another common phrase in English, albeit with a slightly different meaning.
For example:
Teacher: "Do you live on the Earth?"
Slave Collective: "Yes, we lib on ze Ass"
Teacher: "Hahahahaha...Oh, really? How do you like the Ass?"
Individual Slave: "Zee Ass is brue and white and beautiful"
Teacher: "HAHAAHAHAA! You poor fools..."

...and now for something completely different


An Ode to Foreign English Teachers:

So here I sit amongst manacled slaves
Those who have yet to escape Plato's cave
The day's routine seems to be all that they know
Might as well go jump out of the window
Splat yourselves down on the pavement with vigour
Your lives are so sad, there's naught else, I figure
You're not bad people, in fact you're friendly and nice
Unfortunately, such one-dimensional things don't suffice
For proving yourself worthy of life or of praise
Thus as you grow older your spirit decays
Till your left with your nothing, your vacant old soul
If you'd only had some sort of passion to extol!
Your mark on the world has been fleeting, forgotten
The world throws you away like a piece of fruit, rotten