"We must have a suite!" - Raoul Duke

"I was pouring sweat. My blood is too thick for Nevada; I've never been able to properly explain myself in this climate." - Johnny Depp as Hunter Thompson as Raoul Duke (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Although this statement holds true for me as well as Mr. Depp/Thompson/Duke, I feel it necessary to apply it more directly to my current situation.

So let's have some fun with this. Let's take Depp's situation in the film (twisted on acid, arriving sweaty and mangled at a hotel where no one seemed to be able to comprehend his frantic, discombobulated mutterings), and compare it with my own (twisted on Occidental upbringing, arriving sweaty and mangled at a school (and indeed, country) where no one seems to be able to comprehend my frantic, discombobulated mutterings).

Now let's do a little writing activity. Let's substitute words, and try to rearrange the sentence to find the correct word order.
Hmm, let' s see...Well, for a healthy dose of realism (and in keeping with the climatic situation of summer in Japan, that is, a steaming lava pit of death) we can notice that "I was pouring sweat" is really a bit of a dogmatic euphemism for something more correct, such as "I was shrivelling under the heat of a cursed sun, wretchedly embracing sweaty death", so let's switch them.
Next, "My blood is too thick for Nevada". While it is an accurate description of the situation, it leaves out the context and leaves the reader guessing as to why the situation is such that it is. Thus, enciting creative wit, and accurate (gonzo) journalism, let us replace "blood" with "heathen ancestry" and "too thick" with "too irreconcilably northern". Additionally, and for the sake of Truth and all that is sacred, let's replace "Nevada" (since I'm not there) with "the barbarian lands of the East" (since I am there).

Put it all together and Viola!
A perfectly accurate, inciteful and above all, meaningful portrayal of daily life in the Land of The Rising Sun:
"I was shrivelling under the heat of a cursed sun, wretchedly embracing sweaty death. My heathen ancestry is too irreconcilably northern for the barbarian lands of the East. " - Mr. Ball

Truth can be Beautiful.


It's just too bad the epiphenomenon of this particular truth is my continual wretched discomfort, day after day.

Give it up for the king of the world (me)

皆さん、こんいちは。　今日、私の将来の夢を話す予定です。
将来には、私は大学先生をなりたいです。私は勉強することが大好きです。　そして、大学生の時に私の専門は哲学です。だから、私は大学に哲学を教えたいです。けれども、その前に私はもっともっと勉強なければなりません。その時のまでに、私は世界に一番長い髭を生やす。それで、その後、私は無敵の人をなります。すべてのかっこいい人が髭を生やすから。

もちろん、真実には、私は違いの教科を教えましょう。たとえば教養科目とか英語など。それでもフランス語かも。私は言語へのより大きな関心です。日本の時の後、私は勉強するの為にﾌﾗﾝｽに行きたい。

ところで、最近私は新しい剣道はかまを買いました。これから、私はセンスがとてもいい人でしょうか。

さて、明日福井先生は私と一緒にたくさんの酒を飲む予定です。それは楽しそうと思います。楽しみしています！

cadavery revery (referee? too drunk to see)

So another weekend has come and gone in this marvelously unpredictable country of eccentricity, politeness and inescapable humidity...let me provide you with some of the details...

FRIDAY: entirely uneventful...prepared to save funds by making no plans for the weekend...went to bed before 1 (Grum, you boring old sod, you)

SATURDAY: slept in like the lazy, heathen scum that I am...received some calls...joined my friend Michiko for an afternoon of playing classical music (me - violin, her and others - piano)
Later on, met up with D for a much-needed rencontrer, and went to a Irish-ish pub...proceeded to meet not one, not two, not three, but four undertakers...all from Canada originally...Ontario, even...learned much about cadaver care and the horrors of being hungover when you have to deal with the smell and all the other very unpleasant to horrendously unpleasant things that come with embalming a semi-decomposed corpse...apres ca, packed into 2 tiny Japanese size cars and headed up to the mountains in Gunma (prefecture just to the north of where I live) for a rather amazing full moon mountain rave magical party adventure!

After driving through monsoon-like rains with the car hydro-planing most of the way, we began to snake our way up the side of a mountain. Looking for the lights and listening for the pounding of heavy bass, we slowly made our way up. We got to the top...nobody there...decided to drink beer instead...discovered we were in fact drinking on a ski ramp from a popular winter ski slope...made the brilliant decision to down a beer each and then jump in the car and gun it to see if we could make it all the way up the ski ramp...discovered that cars can't handle 45 degree slopes...rocketed down the ski ramp with control of the car somewhat in the hands of the gods...went fast...didn't die (although, had I perished on the ski slopes, I would have been in good hands, seeing as there were 4 professionals who could see to it that my body would be embalmed and handled correctly)...oh sweet so sweet sweeeeeeeet

We did, however, finally manage to find our destination (a few mountains away just down the road a bit)...
And thus, in the middle of the mountains, miles from anything or anyone, we made our stand. Mist all around, hard techno pounding from gigantic speakers, we pounded the beers with the vigour that only drinking with 4 undertakers on a Japanese mountainside could muster. Dancing ensued...Iranian man showed up with his Doner Kebab stand for some early morning feedings...met the crazies from Iceland, Canada, and all over Japan...reprezented...searched for toads...almost plummeted into the river...participated in various group foolery...everybody wins.

Smashed our way home at about 9 am...proceeded in some more ritualistic beer-drinking, followed by "who can damage the apartment walls the most completely in the least amount of time" blow-gun competitions (with the blow-guns newly purchased by the undertakers on their trip to Thailand)

...at about 7 pm, mangled, crippled and twisted, arrived on the steps of my very own home, opened the door, and gave up.

It was a grand weekend.
I didn't manage to save any money.
(there is always next weekend though...)


My life is the greatest life that has ever been lived.

More Japanese, you monkeys!

これは私の2番目の日記の記載事項 です。
この頃、私は日本語が向上したいです。　それで、日本語が勉強したら、それをうまくなります。
時々、私は日本語が分かっている振りします。　だから、毎日漢字を練習します。　今、ぼくは３００ぐらい漢字を分かります。　でも、毎日私も自分に宿題を与えます。　お見るように、私は厳しい先生です。

さて、ぼくは新しい仕事をする予定ですので、ぼくはすぐ春日部市に行きます。　8月一日のまでに、私は新しいアパートに異動しなければなりませんけど、新しいアパートの場所がまだ知らないよ。
ウアット　ザ　ファック？！
私はたくさんの持ち物が異動しなければなりません！　春日部の人は頭悪いかも！多分、多分。。。本当に、多数の春日部の人は頭いいけれども、かならず　彼らは私に来年の住むことを教えます。

とにかく、次の週末には私はOne Man Jamは一晩中でします。
それで、世界には、私は一番かっこいい人です。

以上です。

It's in Japanese, fool!

今日、私は日本語で最初のブローぐを作りますが。
私はたくさんの間違いを作りますかも。
けれども、習う　より慣れよ.

まず、私のブローぐにようこそね！
私はそれを読みにくないと願います。やっぱり　私の為に、それをわりあい書きにくいですよ。

とにかく、今日に天気は雨なりましたけど、そんの天気は暑い天気がよりもよいですよ。
本当に、日本には暑い天気の気温はよく３０度ですので、ぼくは暑い天気が大大大きらいよ！
暑い天気の時には、ぼくはすごい汗をします。

最近、私の友達(George)は禁煙しましたよ。いいね。彼の彼女は「禁煙して！」と言いました。それで、それをしました。

さて、私は日本語が超酷いですので、書くことを中止する予定です。

以上です。

ferocious flames of fiery fury (fack fack, it's hot)

only 2 and a half weeks left of teaching under the scorching Japanese Sun with no air-conditioning or fans in the classrooms and lungs disintegrated from poor air quality from the air conditioner that must run all night in my house or else I won't be able to sleep on account of being melted with my previous cellular viscosity liquified into sweaty death

...after which, I get to pack up all my stuff and attempt to move it 2o kilometres under the hideous glare of the wretched sun and unpack it in a new place and hope that there is an air conditioner installed

oh, sweet sweet Canadian winter, where are you when you are most needed?

Blazing Steel (emblazoned zeal)

I have now secured myself a piece of Japan via the purchase of my own kendo hakama (the pimp fighting clothes that all the kendo fighters wear)...I also got to choose my own kanji for translating the phonics of my name into Japanese...the sounds 'gu', 'ra' and 'mu' (Graeme) and bo- ru (Ball) are now emblazoned on the front of my kendo gear...but here's the even cooler part:
the kanji (Chinese characters borrowed by the Japanese some 600 or so years ago in order to make the language completely impossible and unnecessarily complicated) for my first name mean "scarlet pike of revolution" and the kanji from my last name mean "murderous preciousness"
rekkonize.


At a party recently, I was approached by a stronger-than-average-looking Japanese man. "Hello", I began, hoping to start some friendly conversation. He looked at me with eyes of fire. Smacking his arm onto the table in front of me with much todo, he stated menacingly, "Ahm lesso". The translation of his crappy pronunciation is "arm wrestle". Very well, thought I...I must defend myself against this hostile barbarian. Locking hands together, the man, gritting his teeth, sputtered "zeez eez fo za soru ob Japaaa!" (translation: this is for the soul of Japaaan!).

He had laid it all on the table for this one encounter.
With such high stakes, I knew I must give it my all! I mustn't let the locals intimidate me in this strange still somewhat new land of unpredictability, I thought to myself. Mustering the courage and poise of hundreds of years of European imperialist aggression, I readied to fight. Someone came rushing over to count us down:
"Fibu! Fo! Sree! Tsu! Wan! Fightoooooo!"
The match was watched and cheered by many-a-clubgoer that night...an interesting encounter to say the least.

...needless to say, I am now the proud owner of the soul of Japan.

can't touch this.